Tough kid tango

Over the years, I have been fortunate enough to experience working with students who are often characterised as being ‘tough’. They’re the ones that are disruptive, don’t care about learning, are often aggressive and basically make things difficult for those around them. 

It is interesting to step back and see how the building of a relationship with these kids works out. The first step is to recognise that there is usually a reason for their behaviour. With some of the students I have worked with I could not imagine how horrible it would be to have the life they have had. 8 year olds shouldn’t think that they are useless, shouldn’t have to worry about violence in their home, shouldn’t go to school in the morning hungry because there was no food in the house. But they do. And then they turn up and are expected to somehow put all that to one side and be well behaved and full of enthusiasm for maths!

So there they are, causing havoc, and often it stems from the need to fulfill their prophesy- I’m useless and everyone hates me!

That’s why the teacher yells, I get into trouble, I can’t make friends. I’m just living up to expectations.

I once took a teaching job in the third week of third term. The regular teacher had taken stress leave. I learnt afterwards that up until that point of the term, no casual teacher had lasted the day. The class had been so bad that they refused to continue after lunch. 

They were terribly behaved, it was one of the longest days of my life. I did last the day and as the children walked out the door I said that I would see them tomorrow. One kid actually  said “Yeah right!” as if the idea of an adult wanting to spend any more time with them was laughable. 

I turned up the next day, and the next, until the end of the year. The students still misbehaved, still had fights in the playground, still got angry and at times focussed that on me. But they improved out of sight compared to that first day. Not because I was an exceptional teacher, far from it, but simply because I had learnt the first step of the tough kid tango.

The first step is the war; I hate you and I’m going to make you hate me! They expect adults to dislike them, so they behave in a way that makes it easier to do so. This is where most adults get things horribly wrong, they fall into the trap and what follows is 'me against you, follow the rules, these are the consequences'... What they forget to do is show the kid that they actually care, despite the yelling and violence, and that they actually LIKE them. That’s what these kids need, someone to show them that they care. You get this move right and you will catch the tough kid off guard, they are not used to this, it almost doesn’t make sense to them. Some try to make life even harder for you at this point, almost trying to shout you down- “how dare you not play the game I’m used to. Your supposed to hate me!!” 

It’s important to keep your rhythm going at this point.

The tango that follows is a wonderful one because every kid has two important things; a story to tell and a story yet to be written. The honour of being able to work with them is that you can help them address their current story and shape the story to come. 

They still step on your toes often and I have gone home many times thinking that it is all a waste of time.

But the tough kid tango is one of the most important dances we as a community need to get right.

Get your dancing shoes on.